[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You Might Also Like
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.