I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…