13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*