The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.