You Might Also Like
Me trying to look natural in photos
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.