By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.![]()
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years