[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.