[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old