Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.