Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
This took me a second..
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.