Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Is this the real life?
Is this just![]()
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋