Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.