(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
You Might Also Like
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
2023 was just a warmup
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?