What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.