Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Not all heroes wear capes….
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.