Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes