I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
m’lady
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.