Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
🤣dope
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?