In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????