Finally a use for spoilers…
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN