For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*