5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”