Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
You Might Also Like
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*