7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
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vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*