Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
You Might Also Like
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
tinder is all about the long game
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.