tinder is all about the long game
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
THIS HEADLINE
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written