The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
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If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo