And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
You Might Also Like
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Liquor Store Parking
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Waiting for the Charmin
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING