When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no