No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy