With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?