With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
ACED my prostate exam!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.