Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
You Might Also Like
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.