Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.