You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
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Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.