wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
never ask a starfish for directions
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.