A new level of troll.
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.