A new level of troll.
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!