My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.