Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Best spoiler warning ever
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”