Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one