Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.