I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?