As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
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Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
A short story about romance.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍