And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Yeah. This was me today.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”