every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.