Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Rambo Rambow
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.