Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Don’t make me out nice you.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆