so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.