@tigersgoroooar Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
@neiltyson Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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@tigersgoroooar 
@SSparklesDaily Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
@_KrisWilson_ 
@SavoirFail I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
@torrami Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
@KamaroPayne Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
@TheToddWilliams ♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
@permawedgie Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
@cakemittens Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
@KalvinMacleod DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here