
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?