@neiltyson

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

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@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

@SSparklesDaily

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@TheToddWilliams

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

@permawedgie

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

@cakemittens

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here