@neiltyson

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

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@WheelTod

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

@clichedout

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

@mrjohndarby

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

@alispagnola

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

@dave_cactus

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

@Chhapiness

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

@AsgardianRose

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?