Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!


Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.


I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs


Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫


Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”


Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.


DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here