@WheelTod People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
@neiltyson Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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@WheelTod 
@clichedout Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
@mrjohndarby me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
@NoContextHumans 
@shanethevein Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
@alispagnola I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
@krishna_van I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
@dave_cactus I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
@Chhapiness 6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
@AsgardianRose Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?