Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Mhm.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.