Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers