Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.