ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.