Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]