since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
#math
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.